By Desiree Cady
Sometimes life hands us a card from a deck when we were not even aware that we were a player in the game ...and it stops you dead in your tracks for a moment. You find yourself gridlocked, not knowing what to do.
Life has dealt me one of these cards.
I always say that knowledge is power. When you are faced with disease, arm yourself with as much information as you can, so that you understand the beast that is bullying you.
So I guess that is what I must do. For whatever reason, if you believe that sort of thing, someone has handed me another test. One, at first that I crumpled up and tossed away, because I hadn't studied. A pop quiz that I wasn't prepared for.
But I've always been an overachiever. Not content with not succeeding. And in this case, I have no choice but to attempt to make some sort of sense out of this nonsense.
But its going to take me some time to regroup. My mind wasn't quite prepared. I knew by the amount of pain, bleeding, and sudden weight loss, that it wasn't going to be pretty ...but I guess I just assumed that like my many other health issues, they would find out what was wrong, do some sort of surgery, and I would be good.
Instead, its just one more thing to add to my medical resume that a 33 year old shouldn't have to deal with.
I'm just so frustrated that my mind had started to finally heal and now my body is falling apart. It just doesn't seem fair.
I don't know what my future holds at this point. I'm scared to be honest. I feel defeated, like a burden once again. That eventually the ones who say they will never leave my side will either do so, or simply stay out of a feeling of guilt or because they feel obligated. That they will no longer want me, and I don't blame them. Honestly, I don't even want to be around me anymore.
I just feel lost, useless, and defeated. Like once again the game of life has come along and said to me, "You only thought that you were pulling ahead in this game. Jokes on you. I will always have a few cards up my sleeve that I can throw into play. Don't ever get too comfortable, because I call the shots here, and at any time I want to I can claim my victory. At any time I want to, I can declare Game over."
©2017 Desiree Cady
I am a 33 year old mother of two beautiful girls who have been my saving grace. After a brutal attack a few years ago, I have been plagued by PTSD. After the attack and a few suicide attempts, I vowed to tell my story and help inspire others to get help and to know that they are not alone.
I am currently wrapping up two manuscripts for publication and am set to be published in an upcoming anthology that will come out mid - November.
You can find more of my work at